It was my birthday yesterday!

Happy belated birthday to me!

Yeah, yesterday was my birthday!!! And i know this blog is supposed to be a happy blog on how i spent it and all... but as the day reaches to an end, i CRIED like a baby! And it wasn't tears of joy. Guess i'm an emotional girl after all and i was so overwhelmed.... overwhelmed with sadness.

I worked the whole day yesterday. I had to fill in my aunt's place since she is on vacation. And then my dad cooked dinner. He cooked crab (my favourite) and there was cake!!! The day went well i guess. Very few of my friends rmbred my b'day actually but it doesn't matter cos i don't rmbr most of my frens b'day but why did i cry. Thinkin about it now brings tears to my eyes...

I kept thinkin and thinkin.... and i've came up with this conclusion: I don't want to grow up so fast! I guess seemingly it's my birthday, this would be the most appropriate time to be pampered and hell, i want that. Who doesn't like to be loved? But being 23 and further into adulthood, I guess most ppl will expect me to be more matured.

But all I want is to be a kid again and well... be loved!!!! I do not want to grow up so fast. Guess under that thick shell, and many layers of skin, I'm not so tough after all.

I guess i need a boyfriend... but like that would be the solution to this huh? I shouldn't want more when I have such a great family!!!

Maybe the Devils are Angels After All....

Have any of you ever went through this situation too?

There were these series of bad luck that had befallen me. A lot of it happened because of conspiracies that were planned behind me or so i thought. I did reflect on myself but there were possibilities that it was not all me that had me landed in that position.... it could have been someone else. How am i to explain this? Maybe i should start from the beginning.

I was tied up in a political situation. I did not play any political strategies, i swear when i ran for president. I ran from my heart. I did and said what i thought was best for the organisation i was in. Well, there were complications and repercussions. I actually accepted the results fairly with an open heart. Of course my ego was bruised and I was sad. But, when I later learnt that there were a lot of things that were happening or else happened behind my back that well most probably indirectly or else indirectly influenced the results, I went into an even deeper depression.

I asked myself what did i do to deserved this. Had I treated anyone indifferently to receive this type of treatment. What I thought was a fair play had turned out to be some part of a political arena. I had doubts and I kept asking myself who my real friends are. After 2 years of my life being spent in this organisation i finally realized, my so called big ring of friends was bogus. Those who truly were concerned over me is just a handful. Well, some people would have said i'd been lucky since well, I know who my true friends are. I mean, quality is so much better than quantity right? But have you ever thought about the amount of time i spent being with people that did not appreciate me?

OkOk... Actually i do not want to dawdle in my past so much. The point of this blog is that I have assumed or suspected that there were people who conspired and contributed to my downfall. Sometimes i wish that they will not be successful in the future. I prayed karma would happen and they would not be able to reach certain heights (WOW! Talk about me being evil?) After all the drama, I watched them from the corner of my eye. They seem to live their life pretty well. They were happy, they had their own group of friends. They seemed normal, not like the devil i painted them in my memories. Then i ask myself, was i wrong? When i hanged out with them in the 1st place, i did not have the notion that they were capable of such nasty stuff. I never thought that they would come up with such plans. Maybe they had never conspired. Maybe they didn't do anything to me? Maybe it was all part of my imagination. I was delirious and I tried to protect myself from further depression.

Until now... well, I gave up in finding the answers. I have left this incident as a thing of the past. I choose to look to the future and of course, learn from it. I was naiive, definitely and i hope not to be so innocent and more mature when I work. But this question always come up in my mind... "Was it me?" ... And the answer will be unknown forever. It is redundant to keep searching for it huh?

I have survived....

Seriously it was a big deal when i decided to change my major...
After studying one and a half year's', i decided to transfer my credits to complete my newly acclaimed maths major in just 2 n a half years! And so... i had to lag behind, watching all my coursemates graduate, doing their practical training or else job-hunting. Not like i'm not job-hunting, I AM, just that it's not a necessity nor an utmost priority.
I didn't foresee these holidays coming. You have no idea how bored i am. Of course, I had activities planned up but somehow, I don't feel like I'm living my life to it's fullest. How am i to explain this.... hmm... It's like this:

'Everyday, i have the liberty to wake up late. I don't have datelines to finish up what i have planned so i have the freedom to laze around, sometimes stare into space or else just do nothing. Seriously, this lifestyle doesn't agree with me. I get more headaches and i feel like i get more stressed trying to feel my time with something to do and ending up doing something un'fruitful'.
It has been 3 weeks and am still surviving. Just 8 more weeks to go right?'

And 1 more dreaded year of studies to go. Not like i'm not doing well, just not superly good! Got my results! 3.29 for my maths subjects, hopefully my luar jab will perk this cgp up. Why i sound so impatient to grad is because i cannot wait to work. Yes, yes... so i have heard working life is not utopia, and there is not a lot to like about pouring sweat and blood compared to studies. But i really cannot wait to work 7am-9pm. Call me a workaholic, I really am looking forward to walk my career path and reach it's destination. I cannot wait to get my MBA too uknoe.

Haha! Dreams that may get dashed against the jagged rocks. I have yet to taste work so i may not like it. All i hope is i get something i like to do. Hopefully. Since most probably i will not be obtaining a technical job as my degree suggests. As my friends who are working now say, enjoy your student life because working life ain't as cool as it gets. I hope they are wrong and i pray and pray i'm a workaholic because work to me is the greener side.

Extra Moist Chocolate FuDGe Cake...

Hey peeps...

Succeeded in making extra moist chocolate fudge cake today. So excited.... I have to cut down on the sugar though!!! Can't believe how these oversea's recipes are so sweet...Here's a pic...


I made the frost too you know! Haha! But imagine the colour the other way round. My cake had a lightish brown colour and the frost was a darker hue.



Yay! yay! Now moving onto my next project: Hopefully it'll be pie but probably i'll make it next week or something. Need a break to lose weight ma.

This hols will be all on improving myself! Keeping it short this time. Bye y'all.

Dreams...

Sometimes i find it hard being me.... it's not on how i take on the world but on the conflicts that constantly build up inside of me.

The biggest conflict of all would be my dreams. I guess to some people, it is a good thing to have dreams rather than no direction in life but having too many dreams ain't good right? I don't know.

Let me explain. I'm a very ambitious girl. Somehow, i'm lucky enough to know what i want to do in the future. And once i have set my mind, i am determined to pursue that career path. I dream of climbing the corporate ladder, not because of the money but more of self satisfaction. I want to know where i stand in the global arena. I want to know how far i can go and where is my limits. My prime would be when the company i work in send me to the States where the big money is but for me, that land would be where the big challenges are; where the opportunities are. I admit i'm competitive and i know i would do what it takes to meet the deadline or reach that target. And after working in US, probably i would come back and indulge in the entertainment industry, probably as a TV personality or something. Haha! If i get to lose my baby fat la.

But, being the Asian girl that i am (a lot of people say that i don't think Chinese) I really want to get married. I really do want a family but am i able to get it? Yet, i want a career too. There is one thing i have learnt in life, and that is we can't be greedy and want everything! Obviously, when you get married.... career would be stalled especially for a girl. I mean, if i want to be married, of course my priority would be shifted to my family and my guy for that matter. I can't juggle both responsibilities at one go. And furthermore, i believe in bringing up my children personally with a lot of attention and love. Maybe i'm being conventional but i do not think that a maid's attention and care can help mould the character of the young'uns. But what about the process before getting married, i mean you do need to put in some effort into maintaing your boyfriend's relationship. Summarizing it all, if i want everything, i would need to reach the peak of my career before i get married and get settled down meaning quit my job and everything.

Another thing i learnt in life is that you cannot plan love. I've always wanted to land myself a steady relationship before i go out into the working world so that i need not worry much about the marriage thingie. But until now, rushing into relationships have landed me in a much deeper hole than the last. I should have taken my time; select my future mate carefully. I should have known an aggresive character such as mine accompanied with a very much liberal thinking would find it very hard to find a Malaysian that can accept me. And what more an ambitious girl with those dreams. It's been difficult. A lot of guys i know would think twice of hooking up with me cos i am very hard to handle.... After all those experiences, i know where i have gone wrong but i don't think i would change myself just yet. I like myself as me for now. I just need to find someone who can share the same dreams and wavelengths. And so i wait...

Well, bottomline is i have come to terms with myself. All you have to do is set your priorities straight. And it's that easy (sarcastic tone). I know what i want and my priority would be finding my footing in the career i want and go on with everything else after that. Love i guess will come along the way and i have to constantly remind myself to find someone that can suit me rather than go through another gruelling year of trying to suit someone.

Why i say it's hard being me is cos come on.... look at the guys. When they get ambitious, women applaud them. But when a girl gets ambitious, guys steer away. And don't say you guys disagree, because at some point it's true especially when that girl challenges you at one point of time and somehow ended up being more outstanding than you. Besides, i don't want a guy who can't do something better than me! They should be 'the' man.... "MY" man.

-end-

False Hopes and Boredom!

Now i know what it is like to have false hopes. Everytime i approached something, I would always try to control my expectations. I try not to hope too much, just in case i do not get it. It is some kind of protection that i created so as not to hurt myself.

I tried not to hope too much but he wouldn't let me. He was just so sweet. And everytime he said something nice, I thought things would happen though looking at the circumstances, it was deemed impossible. Still, I hoped.... I guess by now, ppl would be thinking i was talking about a love affair. Haha! Gosh, How i misdirected all of you.

Basically, it's like this. Remember in the last post, i was talking about a potential company that i might be doing my internship or working in? Well, I got to know this guy who was working there in a career fair and well, he was so helpful. He wanted to answer all my questions and troubles i had in getting into the company. He even called me to advice me about what i should do further!!! Now, call that dedication. And so i followed his advice, sent in my resume and wen he did receive the emails i sent which were mostly questions and all, he would reply with a great compliment or an email so sweet, i felt touched! I couldn't blame him la.... I mean he was a busy man and he wasn't working in HR, so he had to go on many business trips and meetings this month. Seriously, an application sent this late for an internship within this coming month would be close to impossible unless i'm superly outstanding!!! But i'm not, and so i'm still waiting for his reply, since he did say he was a man that will keep to his word and so i wait. But false hopes had been created. I was too excited. I shouldn't have and i hope I would not create such a delusional expectation next time! Why would he go all the way to get an internship for a stranger (me!) ???

And so that's why i'm bored!!! Another holidays spent in the four corners of my house! Not like i got nothing to do. I have a lot to do like household chores and also 'shop' work (family business). Same old same old. I just wanted a change you knoe. Another year of studies for me since i'm extending....

Bored, bored, bored!!!